As I search for perfection and unity with God I figured it might be helpful to others to be able to follow along with me. I’ve been reading Teresa of Avila’s “Interior Castle” and just begun on “The Way of Perfection” it’s interesting trying to sift between what is helpful to me and what things she speaks of that I see as truth for her but since I am neither a nun nor single I can not apply to my life or must modify to fit the life of a working, married, Christian man.
I have been seeking first and foremost to align my will with that of God. Since this seems to be foundational to all that she teaches. This has included my quitting my video game which I was addicted to lol. Shameful I know… but considering the things I was addicted to before, video games it wasn’t high on my priority list.
Last week I was in Redding visiting Bethel church there and during the worship my sinfulness was made all to clear to me and I was disgusted with myself. As hard as I tried I found myself helpless to fight my desires and wound up crying and broken. It was then and there I decided I would do whatever it took to be perfect before God. Holy Spirit has been telling me for a long time now that I needed to quit that video game so I gave it to Him.
Some of the things I’m chewing on lately… in her book “The Way of Perfection” Teresa makes it clear that seeking affection is bad because it is always for our own personal gain or affirmation anyhow (i.e. it’s for selfish purposes) and that we should only seek those people who can be of assistance to us in a spiritual way. Anything else would be fleeting anyhow. She goes on to say that those who do not require the affection of others are then free to love others as Christ did without any selfishness and therefore are able to love in a more pure way.
This has a great ring of truth in it but how then does that apply to me as a married man who admittedly wants his wife to love him? Or is it possible to love her regardless of how she feels about me? I suppose this is what I should be striving for anyhow and I honestly could have this kind of love no problem with every other relationship I have except that of my wife right now.
On to the subject of prayer, I have not spent as much time as I’d like in prayer and I do intend that this blog will be a journal of my experiences in prayer (my ultimate goal is entering that innermost mansion she speaks of and experiencing the union with Christ) but for now perhaps I will just give an account of my current prayer status. When I pray I can’t help but be overcome with pleasure… I don’t know how else to describe it but a tingling in my spine and temples that permeates through my body. The longer I think about Christ the stronger it gets. I’m still finding myself easily distracted though. These feelings will also come on at various times throughout the day either when, like now, I am thinking about Holy Spirit or prayer or Christ or His cross, during communion or any other of a wide array of spiritual activities. This helps me to feel a great sense of peace but it also quickly goes away the minute I am cut-off while driving or when I’m distracted for whatever reason…
