narcissism could be fun…

So I saw the commercial for iron man 2 and I was thinking about how stark reads that he is a textbook narcissist and he says, “true.” So that got me thinking about how I’d love to be narcissistic. Just thinking how great I am all the time. It would really be a great self promotion tool. I could see how I could easily convince myself of anything and then I’d have no limitations because let’s face it, we tend to be the ones who limit ourselves more than anyone else… but at some point for me it would have to break down because I’m not truly narcissistic and it would only be me pretending like I’m the greatest ever because it gets me a desired end. It’s a much better form of self protection than being shy or degrading yourself so you don’t let yourself down when you fail. But nevertheless it’s still a form of hiding and trying to guard oneself from pain.

One way you make yourself big and strong to intimidate others so you don’t have to feel intimidated or small so you are protected because of your superiority and the other you are small in insignificant so you don’t have to step out and risk getting hurt. I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter I don’t have the energy to puff myself up all the time. It was a fun thought though…

what fight?

I was listening to a sermon by Chip Ingram the other day and he was talking about some early Christians and how they were killed by having animal skins tied to them then they were put in the coliseums and fed to wild animals. He talked about the records of such Christians going into the coliseums singing praises to God until they were killed. This kind of devotion is something almost unheard of here in western Christianity. The issue I believe is that there is no enemy to fight here. At that time it was a complete matter of life or death to become a Christian. Here was can say yeah I like Christianity and what it stands for or whatever and yay I’m a Christian now. There is no real cost or commitment needed for a “decision” to serve Christ.

Now I’m in now way saying that it’s better for it to be a matter of life and death, I’m merely stating that there is a problem with how shallow our commitment is. The hardest thing, the way I see it, is that we are not able to identify a clear enemy or struggle. It’s easy to prepare for a fight when you know your enemy. If I were an MMA fighter for instance, I’d be able to watch videos and learn his tactics and I’d be able to train accordingly. The way it is now… I can’t see an enemy; in fact there may not even be an enemy other than myself or my apathy. So I’m stuck fighting myself… that’s not nearly as clear or simple as seeing an enemy we can prepare a fight against. How do you go about defeating yourself? Can you overcome yourself if you are focused on yourself or can you remain focused on God when there is no clear fight and so much to distract or sidetrack? How do you take the battle to yourself?

temptation

So there’s not been a whole bunch to write about lately; or so I thought. I was struggling with some temptations I haven’t had since I was in the world and doing drugs… that was strange to me. Come to think of it, this was the same thing that happened to me last time I started pressing in to God through prayer like this… and now that I am writing about this I am reminded of Teresa’s warning that there are many reptiles in the first or outermost mansions. She warns that if we are to make it to the sanctuary where the Lord is we must put everything aside and focus solely on Him or we will get caught up in snares or traps set for us (which I managed to do last time…). Anyhow, so here I am pressing on. Then a couple nights ago I had an all new problem; I was worried that Christ was not the only way to The Father and that maybe there were other religions that were right also. After all I thought, aren’t there mystics in other religions also? So I was all messed up for a bit and I got this book by John Piper (God is so good for this) called “50 reasons why Jesus came to die.” It’s free right now (a price I can afford lol) on Christianaudio.com you should go there and get it. But yeah so I was listening to it and it is just so good and God is so good for making sure that I did not go down that path any further.
My prayer life itself has been kinda strange. I had a day or two where I was not feeling God at all while I prayed. Then I was worshiping one day cause I got sick of not feeling God and what do you know; He showed up. Silly me forgetting to glorify God as He deserves. Anyhow, so my prayer times since then have been beautiful and I’ve been seeing my virtue rising as I’ve been praying more. It’s funny because the little things I used to struggle with, not even struggle with but that were minor temptations, are no longer a problem for me. It’s funny it’s like I lost my taste for them… there is just no appeal there any more. This is happening even though my prayer time really doesn’t seem like I’m doing much. I mean that there are no heavy experiences or any trances, visions or anything like that just time in God’s presence and glory. It’s exciting to see how much such a short bit of time and effort on my part is helping me in so many different ways. I’m excited to see where God takes this.

focus...

So a few things that come up since I began seeking to understand more the prayer recollection. I found a really good website that lays out a pretty clearly what is required for the prayer of recollection. First of all sins of their two parts of the prayer known as prayer recollection one which we do on one which God does. They’re both the same thing and the one that we do leads to the other. Essentially it seems what we need to be doing is focusing on his presence so we feel it and really kind of letting go of everything else. Then as we begin to appreciate the pleasures… I can’t even concentrate right now… as we concentrate on the pleasure he gives us and focus on what he’s doing in us we become more immersed in it. The article I read was helpful in many ways. Especially at the end when he gave us a warning about those of us who desire contemplation and, “consult men, and the writings of men; yet do not apply to him who in one moment can give light to the humble soul, teaching it without sound of words, and imparting more in one single prayer of contemplation then could be obtained in years from the most spiritual man.” it really challenged me to stop my reading and begin my praying…

volitional prayer

when reading Teresa of Avila’s book “The Way of Perfection” I’ve come to understand that what is known as the prayer of recollection is actually a volitional state. Now what the prayer of recollection is, is when all of your senses and faculties are focused on Holy Spirit inside of you, more properly God in you. So essentially what this does is it cuts off your understanding and distraction from the outside world. This enables you to be completely focused on God when you pray. This is something I’d never realized so now in my prayer times when I begin feeling God’s Spirit I immediately focus on Him in sort of lean into Him. This causes me to have what I can only describe as a falling feeling. Every time I begin having this it causes me to kind of freak out and I lose my focus on God and I have to start all over. I vaguely remember reading about this in her other book “Interior Castle.” And she warned that as we were getting used to this feeling it would be scary. Now I know that should probably go without saying; how could it not be scary having your senses lose focus on the outside world but I’m glad she warned us about it anyhow. There was one thing she said I really appreciated, she said that what we are learning here in this state is how to give our soul control over our faculties. I can see why this would have to be the first stage in contemplative prayer.

All this being said does anybody else out there have any experience in this and if so how did they go about mastering this type of prayer?

wine and dine lol

No idea what happened I was the middle good spiel and my word processor decided to quit on me. So I was debating whether or not it would be a lack of humility to press in for more of God you see Teresa of Avila had made a comment of how we should not expect for God to do anything we pray, not that we shouldn’t expect Him to do anything, but that we shouldn’t expect that we deserve anything. I was then thinking, well then where does pressing in or asking, seeking, knocking come in. So I think I've decided there is a difference between seeking something from God and seeking God Himself. God has told us time and again to seek for things from him. I think that when we are seeking God Himself the most we should do is make ourselves available to Him and let Him initiate the encounters we have with Him. And when He trusts us He will bring us into His wine cellar. (see song of songs 2:4; that’s right to word there is “wine cellar” not “banquet hall” for some reason the word which is translated 139 times as “wine” is in this verse alone translated “banquet” it’s whatever I guess as long as you understand that you are going there to party with Him and get drunk. But God definitely has to be the one who put you there. The more risqué encounters that we have with God are ones that He has to initiate. so pursue your Bridegroom be love sick for Him let Him be your sole hearts desire and He will decide when you are ready to enter into His pleasures. As for seeking good things from Him I get the feeling that doesn’t take nearly as much faith. It seems to me that He is all too willing to shower us with blessings or whatever needs you may have but don’t expect Him to bring into the bridal chambers before He knows that He has your full heart.

coffee and headaches

So today when I was at work I had this awesome opportunity to pray for the lady who works the coffee cart. She told me that she had a migraine and it was hurting her really bad. I totally chickened out and walked away happy with my coffee. It’s rather frustrating to me knowing what God is capable of and knowing what I’ve seen him do right in front of my eyes and through my hands. I don’t know why there’s such a huge difference in my mind when I’m out on the mission field as opposed to my everyday life. It seems like lately I’ve been having one opportunity after the other to pray for those in need of healing. No matter where I go it keeps getting thrown in my face. I really need to learn not to put so much pressure on myself. My wife had a great suggestion that instead of just asking someone if they need prayer and making a kind of an awkward thing that I could just ask them along with a few other things I could do in the natural. So for example if the coffee ladies headache I could ask her “could I get you some aspirin, water or perhaps pray for you?” That way if prayer something that she would like, she could ask me for it. This way no pressure on me but the option is still out there. I know that eventually I will have to get a point where I can offer prayer for somebody without hesitation or trying to mask it behind something else but I think for now these baby steps are important after all you have to begin somewhere.