Repentance

Father God; first and foremost I want to apologize for having strayed as far as I had after the consolation You had given me when I was struggling with my addiction. You came to me and after I chose to continue on as I had been and made no effort to change or to seek you in a greater way. You had invited me in to intimacy with Yourself and I didn’t see it as anything but a cool experience. I see now that You were showing me how to avoid such longings and cravings as I was having and it is through union with You. Lord I ask for You to come to me once again as You had. Not that I deserve it but that I would like to make it right. I would like the opportunity to remain that close to You and continue in our relationship from that point. Regardless I know You are good and will continue to seek You until we are unified as we were and greater if you will allow it.

It can be hard when, as we grow, we come to understand that experiences of our past, had we handled them differently, could have propelled us much further in our lives with the Lord than what they did. I had an experience one night a few years back where the Lord came to my aid while I was going through some pretty bad withdrawals and the experience was so powerful that many times when my faith has waned or I was unsure of God that I was able to turn back to it and remember how He showed up and I could no longer doubt my faith or my Lord. Now as great as that is, I should have used it as an opportunity to surrender myself completely into the arms of my God who had shown Himself faithful and loving. I believe had I done this and continued seeking that intimacy there I would be in a completely different place than I am now.
Fortunately we serve a God of mercy who knows we are dust, and He is patient and gracious to us. So I have repented and am now seeking once again to know that kind of intimacy with Him. It is very comforting knowing that I may be humble and not expect anything from Him in prayer and at the same time trust completely in His goodness knowing that He will see to it that what is best for me in my times with Him will be done.